Live On Your Knees
by Vader's Fallen Angel
Summary: Vader was proud, no one could deny that, but he would remain on his knees.


Better to die on your feet than live on your knees. – Emiliano Zapata

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Anakin was proud, no one could deny that, but he was born a slave. Most people forgot that. Oh they knew it logically. Some of the others at the Temple made sure to bring it up at every opportunity. But they didn't understand what it meant. Even those who interacted with slavery like Master Tachi didn't understand the thoughts of those who were slaves.

He heard proclamations like, "it's better to die than" or "better death than". Usually, "turn to the Dark Side" followed the statements, but the speakers would sometime add other things as well. Anakin asked about the Dark Side and Obi-Wan told him that it was an evil thing that twisted its users. Other Jedi warned that it made you evil and controlled you. One of Anakin's teachers compared the Dark Side to slavery.

Anakin nodded when needed, looked awed or frightened when appropriate, but found the whole thing rather silly.

Some slaves believed that it was better to die than to live in submission. Their wishes were always granted. All they had to do was try to run and boom! Anakin remembered hearing about those who ran and though he longed for freedom, he was not prepared to die.

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_He was probably four, he was still living with Gardulla, he remembered that much. There was a human man named Galin with hair that was brown and hung in his face, with a wild look in his eyes who was born free and captured, brought to slavery very recently. He spoke of freedom in whispered words to the children there, infusing them with longing for the outside world. Against the adults he ranted and raved._

_ "Wake up! Stand up! Rebel!" he yelled, "You filthy barves! How can you live this way, your heads bent and eyes down? How can you live with yourselves allowing your children to be raised in such a manner? Kriffing lyleks! That's what you all are!"_

_ Anakin thought that Galin must have taught him half the curse words he knew._

_ Through this all the adults steadily ignored him. Some of the children followed the adults' example and stopped listening. Anakin didn't understand how they could do that. This man talked of freedom and stars and water and learning and of a galaxy where you didn't have to do anything but what you wanted to. No matter how many times Galin was beaten, no matter how bad, it only gave him conviction and strength. It gave him fire. It frightened Anakin, how passionate Galin could be. Talking madly with spittle flying everywhere as he raged against slavery and slaves and owners and everything else. But Anakin was drawn to the fire, even when he feared getting burned._

_ Things came to head when Galin clashed with Shmi of all people. He was in top form that day when his words left the normal track. This time he talked about running away, of what it would be like when one was finally free. That's when Ani's gentle, temperate mother came marching over._

_ "That's quite enough Mr. Galin."_

_ "What the kriff would you known about freedom mooka! You don't know what it's like to actually respect yourself, what do you mean by coming over here and enslaving these kids to your life! I try to give a future and hope to them and some stuck-up schutta–"_

"_I was born free." The rest of the room was silent as they watched the exchange. "I was not from a wealthy family but I did learn self-respect and the like. That does not mean that I advocate escape."_

"_The galaxy out there–"_

"_Can be beautiful and wonderful. It holds beings that are kind, gracious, and noble. There are amazing things out there. There are heroes who fly through the stars to deliver the defenseless. There are those that protect the innocent in any big or little way they can. There are stories that come to life and dreams that come true. But there are others too."_

_Shmi stood alone. Her brown hair was put up in her normal side bun and her clothes were worn and faded from too much wearing. But she was calm and spoke with a quiet authority. The ostentatious arrogance of the man across from her suddenly looked flamboyant and false in comparison. His words became as enviable and admirable as the threadbare rags he wore - once beautiful, but now useless. Galin's eyes still flashed from beneath limp strands of brown hair, but they held none of the inspiration from before. Shmi didn't raise her voice and yell like he always did. She didn't need to._

"_All sorts of awful things can happen. Some forgettable, forgivable and others not. Look to the streets and see beggars, whores, spice-users, and alcoholics. Look behind closed doors to find abuse, corruption, and folly. Look in the hearts and minds of other beings. In some you will find courage, hope, and love, while in others you will find arrogance, greed, and hate. Or have things so changed in my absence? Are there no more rapes, no more murders, no more starvation, no more children crying alone in the dark, no one shivering in the night because they have only rags, no preference given to the wealthy at the expense of the poor? If so I am glad, I rejoice to hear it. Tell me, have things changed so much?"_

_There was a pause then as Galin's mouth moved, but nothing came out. The answer, it seemed, was no. Shmi continued._

"_Freedom is something that everyone should have, I do not deny that. __But freedom is freedom, nothing more, nothing less. It does not guarantee happiness or safely or anything thing else except freedom, and even that is rarely absolute.__"_

"_Better to die than live a slave" Galin snarled. Shmi stepped forward._

"_Life is always better than death. No matter what a being undergoes, there is everything to live for and very little to die for."_

"_Freedom, the right to hold up your head – that's worth anything!"_

"_If you wish to die in the name of your pride then so be it but I will not have you speaking to my son about such things."_

_Galin eventually ran away. He body was brought back two days later._

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Anakin wasn't a fool. He knew what the Chancellor was hinting at. The Dark Side. He stood on the balcony overlooking Coruscant. The aircars flickered by, reflecting light like tiny jewels. In the background the Jedi temple stood, untouched and reassuring. But when he closed his eyes he saw it pouring smoke, black with ashes, red with fire, then later cold and empty - a temple turned mausoleum. He thought too that he heard children's screams, echoed and faded. Horrible as his daytime dreams were, his nighttime terrors were worse. What could he do?

_The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural._

No, he spent his years fighting the darkness; he would not turn so easily. Surely there was a way to save her without resorting to such measures. The Jedi were known as healers, not the Sith. Maybe in the Master's Archives...

_You are on this Council, but we do not grant you the rank of Master._

Of course that was out of the questions. Sith Hells he was angry enough to kill the whole Force Forsaken council–

Suddenly he saw an image of Mace Windu, reeling from Force lightening, then falling… he shook his head. Ok, maybe not angry enough to kill._ Not yet_ a voice whispered, but he pushed it away with long practice. There had to be some way that he could save her using the light.

_Is it possible to learn this power?_

_Not from a Jedi._

"Anakin." Anakin turned toward the voice of his beloved angel. She just returned from a Senate meeting and was still dressed in some ridiculous style. He hated it when she pulled her hair up. She only let it down around him. When it was pulled up it reminded him of all the things that kept them apart, all those duties that he would give up for her, but not she for him. Padme came to him and he wrapped his arms around her, tensing slightly when her pregnant stomach brushed against him. He wanted to be a father, but he loved his wife more. They could have more children, but there was only one Padme.

He wondered if Padme knew that she was more than his angel, she was his goddess, his universe, his light…

Yes. He was strong because she was strong. He would not die in the field of battle because his life belonged to her. He breathed in the scent of her hair and contemplated life after she died. Death, despair, darkness.

But maybe if he turned she would live. If he sold his soul and sealed the deal in blood, maybe he could buy her life. Darkness with her, darkness without her – he would rather be with her.

_No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you will lose her._

He pushed away the dark somehow familiar voice, the one that spoke with increasing regularity. And he pretended not to know that in turning he would lose her anyway. He lived for her, her and the children they would have of course. He would die for her or their child/children if called upon to do so. He already killed for her. It wasn't for the corrupt republic or condemning Jedi that he acted, he went to war and fought. Those he killed died in her name. Would it really matter if he were light or dark? He would still be hers, still live for her, die for her, kill for her. Hardly any difference at all.

But could he do this, could he actually take the step? He shifted a bit, her warm breath against his chest the only thing that kept in him in the present. Who was he trying to deceive? Anakin took many steps toward darkness over the years. He could not even be thinking of this if he had not walked to the edge already. All he needed to decide was if he would jump.

Would it really be so bad if (_if _not _when_) he turned? The Dark Side is like slavery he was told. But that was alright, he could handle slavery.

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_They had their own home, well hovel, now that Gardula didn't own them anymore. Watto didn't beat them as much either. Anakin, in his childish way, decided that things changed for the better. But then he had to pass through the street where there were those who weren't slaves or masters, just free. Sometimes they ignored him; sometimes they rubbed his slavery in his face. But Anakin could deal with that. He was a curious child and more interested in learning about the universe than defending his honor at that point. Ani saw what his mother talked about, bad things, some forgettable and forgivable, some not. But he also saw the good things and heard the spacers talk about the galaxy out there._

_Anakin took to sitting outside at night. It was cold in the desert after the suns went down and he could see his breath. Some nights his mother joined him. Tonight she sat behind him and held him._

"_Mom."_

"_Yes Ani."_

"_Do you want to be free?"_

"_Yes. But more than that I want you to be free." He turned to look up at her. The stars were reflected in her desert-sand eyes. "You're destiny will take you away from this planet child. You are meant for so much more, I can feel it."_

_He shifted in her arms, burying himself deeper, her arms tightened briefly in a hug._

"_But what if I'm never free." She paused at his whispered fear, thinking carefully before she answered._

"_Then I shall still be proud of you. I will always love you and be proud of you." There was a pause, as their minds wandered down different paths, then her arms suddenly tightened again, this time in fear, "Don't you dare die in some reckless bid for freedom. Even if you never become a free man or leave this planet your life still has value. The importance of your life does not depend on your status or station."_

"_There is everything to live for and very little to die for," he quoted._

"_Yes."_

"_Have you ever thought of dieing? Has it ever gotten hard?"_

"_Yes." Shmi shifted, "I was twelve years old when the slavers killed my family and took me. They sold me to a human master first. I was young, but when I was fourteen the master's oldest son decided I was old enough."_

_What she was old enough for did not need to be said. Anakin lived his life as a slave; he knew what masters would do with slaves they found attractive._

"_When he was to be married I was sold and ended up here. My price was lower due to my used condition, but I was sold still, to Gardula, then three years later gave birth to you my precious Ani." Anakin nodded, his head tucked under her neck. He heard the sound of a blaster going off in the distance, but barely even noticed. This was Tatooine after all._

"_Think about what would happen if I was proud and ran away. What would have happened if I decided it was too hard to live humbly and to be hurt." Her chin rested on his head. "Then I would never have the chance to raise you. To love you and watch you become the wonderful person I know you'll be."_

"_It's good to be alive." Anakin concluded._

"_Yes, it's very good to be alive Ani."_

"_But there are things to die for to?"_

"_Yes."_

"_But not freedom."_

"_Yes."_

_Anakin mulled over this for a few minutes. "What would you die for?"_

"_The same thing I live for, you."_

"_Even when it gets hard? Even when it hurts?" Shmi's arms tightened again, more of a reflexive action than anything else._

"_Lots of things in life may hurt, but that doesn't mean we should stop living. It isn't always easy or fair or kind, this life we live, but in the end it is always good."_

"_What do I live for?"_

"_Well, until you settle down and give me some nice grandbabies, you'll live for me." She smiled into his hair._

_Anakin thought about that and decided in his childish wisdom that it was the right thing to do - to live for Mom and give her something to live for. He nodded, decidedly, committed to his new duty._

_They didn't speak any more but watched the stars for a time. Anakin began to dream again. The warm stars winked at him_. Come, taste freedom. We're waiting for you.

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Vader looked out at the stars, the cold, distant lights. Behind him those who served under him worked quickly and efficiently. Serve. He was always doing that. For all the ideological differences between Jedi and Sith, what he actually did on either side was essentially the same. As Anakin he was assigned missions by the Council that originated in the Senate that listened to Palatine and did whatever he said. As Vader he still did the same thing, commanded the same troops, and worked for Palatine without having to go through the Senate and Council. The war never really ended, it just changed – from the Republic fighting the Separatists to the Empire fighting the Rebels. And he was still on the front lines, still doing his best. The only difference now was he had nothing left to live for, or die for, or kill for.

_Don't you dare die. Even if you never become a free man your life still has value._

He was called a monster now. He remembered the shock on his old master's face on Mustafar and wondered at it. He was always who he was, why was Obi-Wan surprised? Slavery taught him to bow. The Jedi taught him to kill. The Sith merely taught him not to care.

Vader swept from the bridge and went to his master's throne room. Without a thought he knelt and remained still as Palpatine probbed the Force around him. He knew that Palpatine was constantly searching for some hint of rebellion, some sign that Vader was going to rise up and kill him, taking the title of Sith Master for himself. But honestly, there was no plot. Vader couldn't bring himself to care.

_Don't you dare die in some reckless bid for freedom._

_There is everything to live for and very little to die for._

_What would you die for?_

_The same thing I live for._

Vader was proud, no one could deny that, but he was and had always been a slave. Until he had something to live for, to die for, he would remain on his knees.


End file.
